Miserable Day

Assalamulaikum...

dah lama aku tak menulis... hari ni entah kenapa feel so miserable ... I need some medium to release this concius.. feel unesy inside strongly want to come out today. why me the one need to suffer.. sometimes I think why am I here just waiting the death come to take me away out or what..

Some of they said the one who have the so much challenges  in his/her life are the person Allah love the most but I think I just not the one that certified the Allah love.. but my life still in miserable. my question why is not a query the Allah but just going through me what going wrong inside me until me become  like this.. miserable, uneasy is that me just neglectful all this time ...

what I understand about life are there have to option.. option 1 is survive option 2 is suffer but me on the 3rd option where I survive and suffer... I try to survive but suffer are most likely follow me where ever I go. I hate being hated and also I hate people that make me hate them. so what option that I have to those people.. It is just live them and continue life without think about them or what..

my mom were said before sometime i will become so anger until i can't see the face of people I hate but I will turn upside down when I help the people the hate so much.. so am I the one that have problem... I do not understand.. why? what?  how? where? when? or so whatever happen to me.. am I that need to be blame..

Tonight I like suffer alone with nothing inside my heart like alone in a dark tunnel that don't have any light.. just try to move on without think are being harm or what else.. just keep move on and silent until I found the end of the tunnel.. Is that the live like a dark tunnel ??? Is that so .. What I going to do ???

Is that to keep silent or just to be two faces so no one else found that I was in a dark tunnel currently.. WHAT I GOING TO DO!!!!